You, To the Power of One (fiction)

I used to be where you are, in the dark. Watching the person up here.  And now I’m the one up here, with this little microphone doohickey sticking out of my ear. See this?

It could only mean one thing: I’m virational.

I bet you don’t recognize my face, but you recognize my reach. I’m the one behind the blammo videos like How to Make Unforgettable Toast, How to Make Friends with Birds, How to Build a House Out of Your Own Hair. Remember that one? 17 million views on the first day. It crashed Facejam.

When they asked me to come here, they said, “Yajhn, you’ve changed the course of history. You’re the most successful lifeslicer on the planet. Maybe the cosmos. What’s it gonna take to bring you to ‘STED? Would you even consider it?”

And I said, “yes.” You all remember that saying YES is lifeslice rule number one.  So, I said, “If I can reach just one more person, yes!”

That says a lot about me, doesn’t it? And I’m going to let you in on another little secret about yours truly.  I might look like your everyday taut lumbro. A smartwatch wearing unipod guy who cares about bespoke bee colonies and craft warts. Someone who went to a totally respectable semiotics band camp. Which I did, as a matter of fact. You know that I’m that guy who knits my own sox using paper bags and upcycled floss.  

You might even think that I’m totally off the grid because these heavy framed glasses are actually crafted from the ideas of disadvantaged inner city kids. I know, amazing, right?

But here’s the truth. I’m totally on the grid. In fact, I am the grid. I’m a huge success because I’m all about the numbers – that’s what lifeslicing is.  Understanding big data. And then I use those numbers to show you things you can’t live without – like my radical list of Groundbreaking Medical Uses for Primitive Quilts.  That was a real dark horse … and it was all numbers.

So. You’ve got to be asking. What does he mean by “numbers”? Right? Right? You’re wondering, “Yajhn is so out there. So uncharted. He can’t just mean ‘numbers,’ right? He must mean something else.”

Give yourselves a pat on the back. You’re dead on. And you can thank me for teaching you that there’s More to Life than Just Remembering to Pick up a Gallon of Milk – remember that one? 450 million eyeballs.

Seriously, though. Here’s the thing. The numbers are actually … you.

Did I blow your mind?

Each number is a real, live person. With a pulse. And I can feel the pulse of each and every one of you.

See, for me, coming here today to reach “just one more person” really means something. I call it “big data with a heart.” Or actually, billions of little hearts.

Let me break it down. (That’s so “Yajhn,” right?) Technically, you are a 1, like the number, but you’re also an actual human. That means you’re actually more than just you. You’re potentially an exponential version of you. When you “yes” or “re-quack” my meme, you instantly become part of a larger number, and you become part of a group that takes on a life of its own. That’s pure virology. And something that’s viral keeps growing  … you can’t stop it, but you can join it.

Early in my career, I got flack for describing the phenomenon of lifeslicing as “web Ebola.” I admit, that was a little rough. So maybe it’s more like Kudzu or Norway Rats. But come on, are you really gonna hold that against a 15 year-old kid?

I’ve learned a lot in the past 2 years since I hit the scene as the primo lifeslicer. And what sets me apart is that I’ve learned to care deeply about each and every number out there – the 8s, the 3s, even the 9s. They’re all equally important.

That’s the Ancient Chinese Secret behind unlocking the power of big data. It’s one thing to collect the numbers. Big deal! It’s another thing to get inside them and feel what they feel.

That’s when I take my two fingers, like this, and I put them on your collective wrist.

And I feel it all. I know what you’ll click, because I know what you’re confused about. What you’re curious about. What you’re ashamed of.

I know you’re jammed for cash. You’re pressed for time. You’re angry a lot. You’re easily distracted. You think your friends are hanging out without you. You’re afraid of death, but you like a good ending. You can’t spell. You’re a lousy lay. You eat too much. And, you’ve got a very poor imagination. And I mean all 7 billion of you.

You spend so much time on your phones, your thumbs hurt.  So clearly, you’re looking for answers. And I’ve got answers.

How do I know?

Back when I was starting out, I debuted, Try This Weird Old Trick to Avoid Farting, and in moments, 30 million of you clicked. I knew I was onto something. Then it was, This Unruly Beard is the Key to Getting Laid, and the numbers doubled. You guys swarmed that one like killer swans!

7 Signs You’re an Adopted Gorilla, 6 Deadly Pick up Lines, How Breath Mints Can Save You in a Car Accident, and Eat These Fried Foods For Longer Lasting Erections.

All viral hall of famers. All mine.

It helps that I know brain science.  I know about the lobes. And about flight or fright. And about that test where they tried to see if little English kids would eat a marshmallow or not. I know about all that stuff. Hell, I’m the one who launched, The 3 Most Important Candies You Didn’t Know Were in Your Brain – which I already know that you saw because I’ve got the analytics. All of you except that redhead in the second row.

I know how to create these infostorms because I’ve got a sixth sense. When I close my eyes I can feel your loneliness. Your sadness. Sitting there wondering if they’ll discover you’re a phony. Wondering why your mother never loved you. Hating yourself because you ate that entire off-brand raspberry coffee cake. Ouch. And worrying about whether that thing you’ve got is normal, or cancer.

I even know when you’re just… hovering. I can feel the tip of your finger getting ready to launch my meme directly into your brain. Go ahead. Click. It’s ok. I’m just gonna change you forever.

Look, I’m not apologizing, but we all know how ‘STED works. They give everyone 5 minutes – and I’m no exception (even though this video has already had 30,000 views and I’m not even done). Considering the digi-tsunamis I’ve created, you’d think they’d let me talk all day. Right?

But my sixth sense is telling me to pass along one more thing: This is the all-time Lifeslice. Page loads, banner ads flash, and here it is.

Be proud of being a number.

Because — say it with me — numbers say yes! Great job. You’re a number that feels and thinks and, most importantly, joins. So you can exponentially multiply your power! You can get what you want by simply by “yessing,” which is exactly what brought me here today. I said yes because you said yes.

So you can thank yourselves for blockbusters like Life Changing Freight Elevators, and Six Ways to Worship Gummy Bears. I did those for you.

One day, you might become virational too – and if you do it big enough, and often enough, they might ask you to come up here, wear a doohicky, and talk to a roomful of people in the dark.

And if you do, people won’t recognize your face, but they’ll recognize your reach.

And that’s all that matters.

Thank you.